i don't even know where to start... this is some personal shit that i put in here and i hate just coming out and saying this but in order for me to be able to really say how i feel i need to say everything. well my boyfriend david fingered me on friday. and one of my best friends knew it was going to happen because we did it at HER boyfriend's house (joey). i guess they planned days before that they were going to tape record us. she never said a word to me about it. and to know that the day before i told her that i might not because i was really sick and stuff and she was like freaking out on me about it tell me that i 'HAD TO' and stuff. and you know i found that kind of weird but she told me that her and joey had this "plan". and im thinking what the heck. but she told me that we had to go first. she begged me to do it for her. i thought she wanted me to go before her because it was going to be her first time and she was prolly nervous. so im thinking im being a good friend so im like ok monica you know i'll do it or whatever for ya. and to know that she wanted me to go before her so her and joey could carry out their little "plan" to tape me so they could listen to it. and to know that monica invited me over to her house the next day with no intentions of ever telling me and i guess joey brought the tape over. and before me and taitum got there.. her, joey, ashley, and josh alll sat around and listened to it. those are my best friends. if you can't trust them, then who can you trust? i just feel so betrayed. that is the worst thing someone could possibly do to me is to go behind my back and invade my privacy like that. and think of it as a little joke. im just shocked. and im so mad... no one understands. well. they all do. but no one knows what im feeling because im the only one that is in this positition. and i wanted to thank taitum for sticking up for me so strong through this whole thing because without her i probably would have told monica that it was ok, even though it isn't. and today at school i had 2 classes with monica and lunch and she acted like nothing was wrong. she talked to me, cracked jokes, told me things that happened to her in the hour before or something. and its so hard for me to ignore that and stay mad. even though i am, i can't show it. and i hate it. im sure that she thinks that everything is fine and its really not. im just hurt. i have no idea what to do with myself right now. and im not even embarressed at all. i just can't believe that my friends could do something so immature.. and if you think about it- its really sick. what is the point in wanting to tape me and listen to it? thats just wrong. but atleast joey gave me the tape. atleast i can destroy it now. but im so mad. i can't even explain it in here. people are so stupid sometimes. its a little thing called think before you do something. they all thought i wouldn't get mad. because im tonia. i let things go. i LET people walk all over me because i smile and tell them that its ok. and for once i got mad and it surprised everyone. they all thought that taitum was "influencing me" i don't give a fuck what they think. im pissed and im going to stay pissed for a long time. this is a bunch of bull shit and i can't even think. i don't even know what to say about it. and in health we're talking about our emotions and all of that stuff and monica is in that class with me. and i just want to raise my hand and give an example of being hurt, angry, frustrated, astonished, alone. but i just sit there and think about what they did to me and that there is nothing i can do about it. and that i can't even fucking keep a straight face when she says hi to me even though i've never been this hurt by any of my friends ever. im getting punished for being a nice person. none of this would have happened if i would have been just a little bit meaner to people. see i don't get it. I- DON'T- UNDERSTAND. anything. i get to sit here and go through the pain that my friends just betrayed me because i was a little too nice and they thought that tonia wouldn't get mad. surprise. maybe i can be a bitch. its just none of them have ever given me a reason to be. ah. i dunno. i can't think.