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yeah. its tonia. not toneeuh.'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
yeah. its tonia. not toneeuh.

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where is my magic wand.. [27 Dec 2002|07:31am]
[ mood | lonely ]

he's not coming. and he barely talks because he doesn't know what to say to me and i feel helpess and i don't know what to do. because there is nothing that i CAN do. i feel pathetic being so torn over someone who i have never met. but its not pathetic at all. because its matt. and its not pathetic because he is amazing and it would be weird if i wasn't in some way disappointed and hurt that i feel so alone and unsure of what to think at this point. i really thought that me and matt had something that clicked. i think that he needs time. im so confused. no idea what to think. taitum is right. we probably tried to make it all happen too fast. i understand the fear in it for him with all of the laws out there and i explained that i wasn't mad and that i can see it all from his eyes and that i understand it all and he still isn't the same. i tried acting like it was the same again. and it still wasn't. and now im scared. im scared that it will never be the same. or that it will never be anything at all again. i must have fell too hard too fast.. thats a new one.. isn't it?


whoa baby! [27 Nov 2002|06:55am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

omgoodness. its been like... forever and a half! its getting closer and closer to christmas, everyone is so happy and stuff :D i love it. i want to show everyone pics from my swim team banquet and sleep over but im not exactly sure how to put pictures on here. so we'll work on that. oh i think my last entry was crazy and i think i was still with david then. but im not sure. i haven't even looked on here in so long. but that ended ages ago. well... ok. maybe months. but still. i <3 matt now. he's this guy that i met online and we're talking about meeting but its not a for sure thing, you know? so why get your hopes up if you will only be let down in the end? even though they are like already up past my head... haha. i'll be sure to write in here if it happens. but anyway, if it ever does then it will be sometime after christmas. im just scared he won't like me after we meet and things will go POOF. ya know? i just hope it makes everything that much better. why does he have to go to school in missouri when he lives only 2 hours away? grr... haha. well he left for thanksgiving today but we got to talk for a long time so it was cool. im leaving tomorrow at 6am and im not coming back until sunday. oh yeah, YMCA swim team starts monday! going to my grandparents is so boring. all im going to do is eat..sleep...listen to music...do homework..and write. its all i can do. we aren't allowed to go anywhere cuz my mom wants to visit. lol. i mean i understand but i think that 4 days is a little much. me and craig might come back on sunday if the rodes are good. well i think im gonna end this one. but if any of you know how to put pictures in here just post a comment and let me know ;x i hope that i don't forget to write in here by the time i get back on sunday. haha. it will probably happen though. have a wonderful thanksgiving!!!! i love you all.

*.1 splah.*| *.dive.*

the people that i lable "friends" [16 Sep 2002|04:29am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i don't even know where to start... this is some personal shit that i put in here and i hate just coming out and saying this but in order for me to be able to really say how i feel i need to say everything. well my boyfriend david fingered me on friday. and one of my best friends knew it was going to happen because we did it at HER boyfriend's house (joey). i guess they planned days before that they were going to tape record us. she never said a word to me about it. and to know that the day before i told her that i might not because i was really sick and stuff and she was like freaking out on me about it tell me that i 'HAD TO' and stuff. and you know i found that kind of weird but she told me that her and joey had this "plan". and im thinking what the heck. but she told me that we had to go first. she begged me to do it for her. i thought she wanted me to go before her because it was going to be her first time and she was prolly nervous. so im thinking im being a good friend so im like ok monica you know i'll do it or whatever for ya. and to know that she wanted me to go before her so her and joey could carry out their little "plan" to tape me so they could listen to it. and to know that monica invited me over to her house the next day with no intentions of ever telling me and i guess joey brought the tape over. and before me and taitum got there.. her, joey, ashley, and josh alll sat around and listened to it. those are my best friends. if you can't trust them, then who can you trust? i just feel so betrayed. that is the worst thing someone could possibly do to me is to go behind my back and invade my privacy like that. and think of it as a little joke. im just shocked. and im so mad... no one understands. well. they all do. but no one knows what im feeling because im the only one that is in this positition. and i wanted to thank taitum for sticking up for me so strong through this whole thing because without her i probably would have told monica that it was ok, even though it isn't. and today at school i had 2 classes with monica and lunch and she acted like nothing was wrong. she talked to me, cracked jokes, told me things that happened to her in the hour before or something. and its so hard for me to ignore that and stay mad. even though i am, i can't show it. and i hate it. im sure that she thinks that everything is fine and its really not. im just hurt. i have no idea what to do with myself right now. and im not even embarressed at all. i just can't believe that my friends could do something so immature.. and if you think about it- its really sick. what is the point in wanting to tape me and listen to it? thats just wrong. but atleast joey gave me the tape. atleast i can destroy it now. but im so mad. i can't even explain it in here. people are so stupid sometimes. its a little thing called think before you do something. they all thought i wouldn't get mad. because im tonia. i let things go. i LET people walk all over me because i smile and tell them that its ok. and for once i got mad and it surprised everyone. they all thought that taitum was "influencing me" i don't give a fuck what they think. im pissed and im going to stay pissed for a long time. this is a bunch of bull shit and i can't even think. i don't even know what to say about it. and in health we're talking about our emotions and all of that stuff and monica is in that class with me. and i just want to raise my hand and give an example of being hurt, angry, frustrated, astonished, alone. but i just sit there and think about what they did to me and that there is nothing i can do about it. and that i can't even fucking keep a straight face when she says hi to me even though i've never been this hurt by any of my friends ever. im getting punished for being a nice person. none of this would have happened if i would have been just a little bit meaner to people. see i don't get it. I- DON'T- UNDERSTAND. anything. i get to sit here and go through the pain that my friends just betrayed me because i was a little too nice and they thought that tonia wouldn't get mad. surprise. maybe i can be a bitch. its just none of them have ever given me a reason to be. ah. i dunno. i can't think.


[wink wink] [07 Sep 2002|08:59am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

the reason for a certain phone call became real last night. maybe 3 is a lucky number.. lol. its always been my favorite number.. mainly because it was kim's favorite number and it just stuck since then. me and taitum are friends again, im glad.


[05 Sep 2002|03:55am]
[ mood | blah ]

im missing someone. i missing them more then im letting people know. i say that im not going to let it bother me yet i can't stop it. i just want to call... but its not the same. for once its not a guy. surprise! surprise! i dunno.


this is what i want. im sorry if you don't agree. i can't change the way i feel. [29 Aug 2002|07:55am]
[ mood | determined ]

i probably shouldn't be wanting the things that im wanting and i probably shouldn't be saying the things that im saying and i probably shouldn't be doing the things that im doing but the worst part is... i don't even care anymore whats right or wrong because i can't change what i want and sometimes people just have to accept it and move on. i've accepted some things that my friends have done in the past that at the time i didn't understand why they were doing certain things but its what they wanted and i knew that i couldn't change their minds so i gave my opinion and then just accepted it. no one really knows about this yet. i just don't want people freaking out on me for no reason. heck. i don't even know what is going to happen. its all up in my head and thats where its going to stay for now. but probably not for long. i understand that my friends are looking out for me and that's what they're suppose to be doing. and i appreciate it so much. but once something is already over and done with, if the decision is already final, why sit here and critize me about it just to make me feel bad? THAT isn't a friend's job. i can't change my feelings to what my friends think i should be feeling. i just think that its pointless when i have 10 people telling me im stupid while im going out with someone or something really dumb like that. there is no reason for saying something to me like that when its already over and done with. accept it. its all im asking. and i never thought that i was asking for much until i found out it was impossible to get my friends to accept certain things. like my freaking boyfriend at the time. but i don't care anymore. no one has to accept it because its not their life and i may not always have the best judgment but this is something that i think might go in the better direction and im not going to sit around and be sad when i have an opportunity to be happy. i don't know. thats all i have to say i guess. for now :)


the last call. [25 Aug 2002|09:02am]
[ mood | flirty ]

i dunno what im feeling right now. i've been in a really good mood lately and i dunno. that phone call didn't come tonight. but i mean, its ok. its not like i need it to be happy. im happy. i need to meet someone new!! that perfect guy. who knows where he is. lol. i'll keep looking... ahhh. HE just signed on.


highschooooooooool!!!!!! [22 Aug 2002|09:07am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

guess who got second lunch today???? mm hm. me. but i have 1st lunch tomorrow. yippee! i got math homework on our first full day. and its a lot, too. but the teacher is really nice so oh well. atleast its easy. well im gunna go download more songs and hope that i get a call tonight. love you.


[21 Aug 2002|10:24am]
[ mood | crazy ]

well.. someone kept calling and wouldn't leave a message on callwave so i got offline to see if they would call again. it was david. we prolly talked for a half hour or so. i dunno, it was a normal conversation i guess. he's tried to get with 2 girls since we broke up i guess or something like that. who knows. i have a feeling he knows that it makes me jealous even though i don't show it. he has 1st lunch both days. my teachers never told me what lunch period i have so i have to find out tomorrow!!! i hope i get 1st both times cuz ALL of my friends have that. nicole, monica, ashley, taitum. i'd be all alone if i had 2nd. well, im gunna go now. night!


[21 Aug 2002|08:52am]
[ mood | happy ]

school is great :D


[20 Aug 2002|09:57am]
[ mood | excited ]

gosh, someone needs to remind me to write in here when im online. highschool starts tomorrow. how weird is that? i dunno what im wearing yet... lol. ugh. now i have to go. how dandy is that? me and david are talking again. do i miss it? yeah. don't hate me! goodnight.


commitments [16 Aug 2002|12:17pm]
[ mood | sad ]

is it a bad thing if im really happy for a couple days and then it all of a sudden goes back to being sad... for almost no reason at all? i just want someone to be here for me and like me the way that i like them. am i really too grown up for my age? am i wanting too serious of a relationship? i think that i am. i want to be able to have a crazy, fun relationship but all i can think about it the commitment and being liked by someone so much and how perfect i want it to be. why can't i just let all of that go and be happy? i really want to. if i wanted it badly enough, wouldn't you think i would be able to do it? maybe its not what i want. maybe i just think it's what i want. i just want to be a kid. i hate wanting something that isn't there.


everyone deserves to truelly be happy. [11 Aug 2002|02:33am]
[ mood | okay ]

i spent the night at monica's last night. it was fun. we made these signs that said "will work for gurdles" "will work for shelter" (even though we were standing right outside her house..lol) and "honk if you love jesus". only 3 people honked out of like 30. but it was night time..... but i was pointing a flashlight at the sign so they could see!! omg my brother is doing this really weird voice and im cracking up! AnYwAy... yesterday was prolly my last time that i'll get to see caitlin malley for a long time. she is moving to california! she left at 10:30 this morning so i didn't get to even say bye or anything.... =/ hm. well i went shopping yesterday. i got 5 pairs of pants, 4 shirts, and 6 pairs of undies. LOL. i still have to go again to get me some shoes and maybe somethin else. i can't wait for high school. it's gunna be so much funnn! my swim team end of the season party is on tuesday and so is orientation. i'll prolly only get to go to the party for an hour or something =/ im not gunna get to see my YMCA swim team buds for a whole season!! awwe. *tear* brandon murphy is moving to kalamazoo the 25th... he took me -n- taitum out to eat last wednesday at hacienda. it was sooo much fun. he is one of the funniest people i know. he even showed us his bootylicious dance!! that was the first night that i had been happy since the break up.. and it felt so great. to be able to laugh until it hurt. im seriously going to miss him so much. i've known him since i was a toddler!! the next day that i was actually seriously happy was yesterday. when i went shopping :D but now i can be happy on my own..pretty much. tomorrow im going to the fair. that'll be fun.. if we make it fun. oh yeah, i was talking to ben hansen the other day online... he is a hottie. i wish he went to our school so i could start hanging out with him and stuff but its kinda hard when he goes to a christian school in a city 20 minutes away. oh well. i might start writing in these daily like i use to if i can remember! tomorrow is my first day of high school swim team... i hope that it's not TOO hard! ok, im out.


[04 Aug 2002|11:20am]
why are you doing this to me? lies only make the problem that much bigger in the end. wow. the end. that sounds weird. i wasn't expecting it to come so soon.
*.2 splahes.*| *.dive.*

im a cherry. [01 Aug 2002|07:28am]
[ mood | cranky ]

why do i push david away from me without even thinking about it? its like i don't want him to hold me, when i do. i dunno. he got mad about it today when we went swimming at taitum's papa's. he asked me why i was doing it and all i could say was "i dunno..." because i honestly don't know. i mean we've been together for a month now and i still do this for no reason. sometimes i think its funny.. and sometimes i do it without even thinking twice about it. my face is so burnt. im gaining my tan back though- yay! i need to go school shopping soon. my mom is pissing me off so bad about not being able to go to david's house. im in highschool now and she still doesn't trust me. but she says that it isn't about trust. then what is it about?


[29 Jul 2002|01:31am]
i've been through so much. no one even knows. when i got home from monica's yesterday i just cried and cried and cried because i was so stressed out and i had a headache from thinking too much. i never knew it was this bad. none of my friends seriousllyyyyy like david. his friends talk so bad behind his back. and he doesn't even know. hang on. my mom is being a bitch and is making me get off so she can get on. im just gunna update this and then edit it when i get back on. later. ok. its 9:30 at night now. geez. i realized how two-faced some people are. people that you think are your 'friends' that talk soo bad behind your back and you don't even suspect a thing. im not gunna be the one to tell him. i just think that its really wrong. with everyone hating david.. it almost made me start to think that i didn't like him. when i do. how horrible is that? my friends were trying to make my decisions for me. i hate that. i like him. i don't care anymore if anyone supports us because all i need to know is that i like him, he likes me. that's all there is to it. everyone will just have to accept it. im in such a better mood. ahh.. g2g bye

ugh! [26 Jul 2002|04:13am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

me n david got into a big thing last night. not good. im freaking pissed. but o well. i know he cares about me so much. he was about to go crazy cuz he thought i was gunna break up with him. he was being honest. but still. i dunno. i like him a lot. we just have to get through it, right? im so mad. i don't even know who im mad at. im just so angry right now.


don't forget me now. [22 Jul 2002|11:17am]
[ mood | bored ]

saturday was tyler's party. it was pretty fun. if nicole woulda gone then i woulda been hyper and it would have been more fun but she had a softball game at 8 and it didn't actually start until 9... so it got over at 11 :( i went to see "eight legged freak" last night with josh, nicole, ashley, david, taitum, and cory. the movie was kinda weird and pretty stupid... but i was so freaking scared of those spiders!! whoa. good thing they were giant so i knew they were fake cuz i use to have a phobia of them. [shudders] david is goin to... um. i forget the city but he is goin for like 2-3 days to watch his nephew in a tournament and last night we were talkin on the phone and i was tired so i was like "i think im gunna go now." and he's like "why?" n i said "i dunno." n he said "well im not gunna get to talk to you for a couple days so i want to talk to you now." so im like.. "ok." lol. he just pisses me off sometimes but then sometimes i like him so much. i mean everyone has to work through their bad times in a relationship and we haven't gotten in a fight in a long long time. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! i forgot to tell all of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. guess who i saw on saturday at my swim meet in sturgis?? KIM!! my big sister kim. ok well not really my sister by blood. but she has been like a sister to me since i was 6 and then she went to college 2 years ago and at first we were contacting each other non-stop and then she kind of stopped e-mailing me and stopped trying to get ahold of me and we basically haven't talked or seen each other in almost a year and a half probably... and when we saw each other we both just stopped in our tracks and looked at each other before leaping to give hugs and say "omg i can't believe it's you.." and blah blah blah. lol. i still can't believe i saw her. and she is going to be at conference on saturday. she looks the exact same. she even had the exact same suit and towel that she always use to wear... it was so weird. ah. i was about to cry. good thing i didn't. [sigh] i dunno. i went through and read all of the letters and notes that i've kept from her since i was really little. the little notes that said "good luck tonia! kick some butt! im sooo proud of you little sister :) love, kim furst." and the postcards from when she went to florida... and just.. everything. i got the goosebumps from reading them and im starting to get em again! geez. well i didn't think that anything really happened since i wrote in here when i first started out but i guess i was wrong cuz this entry is long. i don't think i know how to write a short entry because i just ramble on forever about absolutely nothing... kinda like what im doing now. oh yeah. i had a long conversation with josh duis online last night. reminded me of old times. we talked about last summer and how we kinda split apart during the year and now we're starting to be good friends again. n now that we're gunna be in the same school next year, things will get so much better. i love him so much. i could talk to him forever about everything and it's so awesome. he likes nicole and nicole is just confused about boys right now so i dunno. i think that they need to hook up cuz they would be SOO cute together... but its up to her. ok.. NOW im gunna go. loving you always.


[17 Jul 2002|10:17am]
[ mood | good ]

yesterday- david and drew were suppose to come over to kayla's grandpa's to go swimming and they couldn't find the house cuz we gave really bad directions and its kinda hard to find... lol. well.. we made plans to go over there again today cuz kayla spent the night here last night and david's mom came to pick us up this morning and take us n drew all over there at like noon. omg.. we made out three times. haha. i had a lot of fun. i had to leave at 3 for flute lessons ;x and then me and nicole went to his championship game at 7 and we hung out with josh, joey, and tyler... the people that we hung out with ALL LAST SUMMER (the best summer EVER) and it was so much fun. [sigh] the memories.. well im gunna go call taiters now! night.

*.1 splah.*| *.dive.*

[15 Jul 2002|02:09am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

hmm. its been a few days since i wrote in here.. i went camping with cindy this weekend. it was pretty fun. i went on a 7 mile bike trail! ah. it was a workout, hehe. david wanted me to come over today but of course my mom said no and i don't get it cuz she'll let him come over here... so maybe he'll come over today or sometime soon. I DUNNO. that is..if he ever decides to call me! lol. things are goin alright for me right now. i dunno. im not like super happy or sad or mad or anything. i like don't have an emotion... its kinda scary. but ok. i have to go get a physical at 4:00 and i have to pee in a cup. yay. well i gots nothin more to say so im gunna go now. <33


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