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yeah. its tonia. not toneeuh.

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don't ask me to tell you how i feel, because i don't know the answer. [12 Jul 2002|01:07am]
fighting. im, emotionally, the weakest person i know. tonight i got into three fights. one with david, the other two about david. i can't handle fighting. this is nuts.
*.dive.*

i can't live without my friends [11 Jul 2002|07:58am]
[ mood | content ]

i talked to nicole today and we started talking about how we have drifted and all of that. it was so sweet. i found out that she felt the same way that i did and that neither of us know how or why but it happened and we didn't even want it to. its good to be talking to her again like we use to. i mean she was like my best friend since 7th grade and it was weird not knowing why we almost stopped talking!! while me and nicole were having problems, i became really close with taitum. kind of through adrian i guess. i found out that we have a lot in common and both need each other for our stupid guy problems. lol. she became my new best friend. and it's always going to be that way. maybe me and nicole will start getting closer again. and maybe i will have 2 best friends. but that doesn't mean anything. it doesn't mean that im going to like one of them more then the other. it would be cool if we could like all hang out together all of the time and stuff. just last night i was telling david my life story of friendships. all the way from 1st grade up until now. i think that im at the point.. where im not going to be changing friends like i did all through elementry. im with the friends that im going to be with all up through highschool and past. and im happy with what i've got. and without them, i would literally die. without my friends. i would have killed myself by now because i can't take some things by myself. and i just wanted to thank them. for showing me everything that you did because even if you don't know, you changed me. and it was a change for the better.

*.dive.*

whoaaa baby. [10 Jul 2002|11:59am]
[ mood | crazy ]

well. i just got back from six flags about an hour ago. [as everyone asks me -did u have fun?-] :D yes. bunches n bunches. i like david so much. like.. goin on this trip and spending 2 whole days with him brings you pretty close! it was so cute just like walking through the park together... his hand in my back pocket.. lol. [sigh] i die for the little things. and sleeping in the car together. HAHA. this is so funny. im so hyper its not even real. i made out with him while going up a hill on a roller coaster..you know.. when its goin real slow and they are cranking you up. i was laughing afterwards. me n megan slept on the floor between the pews on couch cushions. lol. it was really compfy actually. when my dad was driving me home at like 11 at night every time we came to a stop sign i'd start singing "STOP...in the name of loveeee.." lol. it was hilarious to me. my dad actually asked me if i had been drinking... LOL. me? drinking? noooo wayyyyy joseeee! i made a friend, tony, who is in david's youth group. david hangs out with him n stuff. but a lot of ppl kinda make fun of him and are like "you're so gay." and i think he is super nice and i dislike anyone who doesn't like him :) david kept sayin "and you're spending more quality time with tony then you are with me" today. and i was like no im not!! and he just laughed cuz he was joking. and im like "are you jealous?" and his friend, glen- who is 20, turns around and is like "jealous of what?" and he just kept on asking. it was pretty funny. well im gunna stop telling you about every second of my trip, lol. i'll write tomorrow or somethin. can you believe it? im tired!! danggg. and my legs are so sore you wouldn't even believe. i didn't even feel it until i went up the stairs to get some food and it took me 2 minutes to get up. gosh. its so bad =/ well. nighty night!

*.dive.*

[08 Jul 2002|02:06am]
here's a virus being e-mailed to lj users and it looks like this:


Dear LiveJournal user,
We have recently noticed that you haven't updated your LiveJournal in awhile. If you would like to keep your LiveJournal account, you must sign in within the next 24 hours.
You may sign in at: {link removed} Failure to sign in within the next 24 hours will result in account termination.


DO NOT OPEN THIS LINK! IT'S A VIRUS!
Please, post this in your personal journal and in your communities, even if it's off-topic for the community. This is very important.
*.dive.*

so i disconnect it at the worst possible moment. [07 Jul 2002|01:54am]
[ mood | ditzy ]

yesterday i went shopping and i got 3 shirts and a pair of capris. they are all really cute :D well. i talked to david until 2 in the morning and like we were just about to say bye cuz he was like "right when i hang up...im gunna miss you. and im gunna want to call you right back- and i won't be able to. but then i'll dream about you. and it'll be all good." and i said, "but you won't remember your dreams tomorrow." and then i accidently pulled the phone cord out of the wall and we were disconnected right then and there!! UGH. i was like "noooooooooooooooooo". lol. im so stupid. my mom left for colorado this morning and called not too long ago to tell us that she was there. she'll be gone for a week. *sniffle*. im going to six flags with david on tuesday though. yay. i just remembered i haven't written in my real journal in a few days... i always forget once i write everything in this one!! im watching this really sad lifetime movie. aw. *TEAR* yeah. im crying. ahha. well im gunna go now. loveeee youuuuuu.

*.dive.*

sprinkle me with your rain drops and watch me grow. its a slow process. will you wait for me? [06 Jul 2002|12:50pm]
[ mood | content ]

i talked to nicole on the phone this morning for so long. we talked about everything that we've been through together in middle school. it was so great. i got in the mood where i actually wanted to call derek. my ex best friend that i hadn't talked to in months because of a long... long story. well. when me and nicole got off of the phone david called me. he's like "why has your line been busy for so long?". lol. i guess he tried calling me 3 times yesterday but i wasn't home. that made me feel good to know that he tried calling me.. even if i wasn't home to get it. ha. well nicole talked to josh last night and its all worked out. the ohio girl was lying we think. and she believes josh. im glad. i like david a lot. its the same as it was before we were going out. i love that. i ran through the sprinkler today lol. that was a lot of fun. derek got online later. we started talking and i dunno. it was so cute. we were talking about all of our memories. he was laughing and everything. he said "i remember when we fell asleep on the phone together". i was about to cry. i miss him. still. we were just talking online again a little bit ago and i told him about how im going out with david. i was so scared to tell him when things were finally seeming to go good between us.. because i thought that he might stop talking to me again because of a "bad decision" that i made. because me and david have a past... but its different now. no one knows. i could tell he was mad/disappointed about it but he said that he wouldn't say anything about it. i dunno. after that, it was different. no more "lol" or talking about memories. i dunno. i think that MAYBE if we give it time. we could be friends again. i don't think that it could ever go back to where we use to be...best friends..but maybe we could get close again.. i dunno. im not going to think about it and get my hopes up like this.

DREW: cuz we sat on kalies trampoline from like 10:30 till 12:45 just talking and he talked about you like the whole time
^that is one of david's best friends telling me about when david stayed the night at drew's the night after the fire works. [sigh]

night night :D

*.dive.*

[04 Jul 2002|12:11pm]
[ mood | weird ]

hmm.. i made taitum an "im sorry" card. she pretty much forgave me i think. we did this lil beauty trick with our hair today. it was dryin hard and we didn't think it was from her papa's pool but i dunno!! so we washed it with swimmers shampoo. then we put some conditioner in and wrapped grocery bags around our heads and tied them. we left it in for like 45 minutes and now my hair isn't hard! yayy. lol. well. i haven't talked to david all day. maybe he tried calling when no one was home or something. i dunno. i almost thought that i didn't like him today.. like i didn't want the commitment or something. maybe its a good thing we didn't talk today. cuz its like making me miss him and making me realize that i do like him and that i was being silly. ugh. i dunno. i want to talk to him so bad right now. hm. =/ i need to stop. im pathetic. lol. anyway. nicole n josh are getting into this big thing about some girl in ohio and its so hard to hear each side and pick which one you think is true. im not even going to choose who i believe because we always do this with people and it gets you into such a mess. its not my business to say anything if i've only heard one side, right? right. k. well. yeah. im gunna go now i guess. <3

*.dive.*

mixed emotions..99% bad.. 2% good. [03 Jul 2002|12:02pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

so yeah. i went to the fire works tonight. hm. a good thing happened. a bad thing happened. ok.. the good thing- david asked me out. i said yes. the bad thing...- i was a stupid person and an aweful friend. i have an explanation of what happened. but it doesn't even matter. because i was so stupid. i left my best friend for a guy.... a guy. ugh. my best friend. =/ im like.. about to cry. because i feel so bad. she was like so scared because she couldn't find me. hm. i dunno what to say. so i won't say anything else.

*.dive.*

is this me? [01 Jul 2002|01:51am]
[ mood | full ]


Which Real World cast member are you?



maybe the getting caught up in guys part..
*.dive.*

[30 Jun 2002|03:32am]
[ mood | loved ]

i heard that david went to the entire game before his to hang out with me, and i couldn't even go. that makes me feel bad. i was suppose to go to derek's party yesterday so i figured i wouldn't get to hear from david until he got back from his nephews. but he called me just before he left at like 5:30 and was like "im just about to leave but i just wanted to call and say bye. i'll call you when i get back on monday." i felt so special :D me n jessica stayed at taitum's yesterday. it was fun. u know how i got like 2 hours of sleep the night before? well i went to bed at like 1:00 last night.. er. this morning i guess. and it never felt so good to sleep!! nicole n jessica came over today while i was at taitum's just to look at my awesome wall of pictures. i'll hafta take a picture of it sometime or something to show everyone. peace love and punk rock. <---- that's david's line.

*.2 splahes.*| *.dive.*

=/ [29 Jun 2002|02:30am]
[ mood | angry ]

omg. today is derek's party. yeah. i want to go. but like. no one is going. and im not going to hang out with myself. i mean. none of you know what me and derek have been through. im not even friends with him anymore. but i feel like i have to go. i want to. but god. if i don't go, he'll think i didn't want to. and i think i might call him and tell him that the reason i didn't come wasn't because i didn't want to. i dunno. i haven't talked to him in....so long. and my mom. ugh. she is bitching about it saying how this is so mean that none of his friends are going and i simply said "derek doesn't have any friends. he pushed them all away and hurt them." and thats the truth. and she fucking loves him and she doesn't even know him. just because i've known him since kindergarden.. and just because we were like best friends for so long and we talked on the phone every night for hours on end. and she has to bring this shit up like its my fault or something. when she knows how i still fucking hurt over it. she thinks she knows. and she doesn't know anything about me and derek. and im crying and i want to stop but i can't. and i told her "i didn't do anything to derek. he did this to himself." but i want to go. no one will go with me though and i haven't talked to ONE person that said that they were going. cory said that he might go late. thats the only person. and i called him. and he wasn't home. so i left a message. and gosh. i told her to leave and do whatever it was that she wanted to do because i wasn't going and i didn't want to talk to her because she is doing this to me for no reason. so she left like 5 minutes later without saying bye. this is my life. why does she feel like she knows everything when i don't tell her shit. she knows absolutely nothing about me. and she knows that. maybe this is her way of saying that she wish she did? i don't care. i can't think right now.

breathe.. [sigh]. ok. well. yesterday i went to jessica's with a bunch of girls to stay the night for her birthday. well david, josh, n joey came over a little later. at first it was really weird and me and david weren't even talking for no reason at all. he came up to me once and we started talking and then i dunno what happened to that. we were on a walk. and started walking home. and walked by different people. and we didn't talk forever. and then it got dark and im alergic to mosquitos so i had to go home n get big spray. haha. and when i was walking back he like... ran up to me and kinda gave me a hug and asked where i went. that was kinda weird. then he kicked the volleyball back to joey.. and then we didn't talk forever again. finally when we were all sitting in the sun room and i was like about to puke cuz i didn't feel good. i hit his leg and told him that we needed to talk. so we walked outside into her back yard and sat at the top of this hill. it was so pretty. omg. the fireflies were all out and blinking their lights at the bottom of the hill, in the woods. it was like a light show :D and he had his arm around me and my head was on his shoulder, and his head was on mine. it was so cute. and we were just talking. i asked him why we haven't been talking and he said i dunno. lol. so i don't even know what was going on with that. then he had to go so i walked out front with them and ahh. i won't even explain it all cuz this is like all mushy mushy. and im sure no one wants to read this stupid thing anyway. but we called them that night cuz jessica was online and david wanted to talk to me i guess. so we talked for a while. i dunno. i had fun. i like him. i dunno how much. but im not going out with him now. or any time soon. and everyone thinks that we are. and they're wrong. and he is going to his nephew's today and won't be back until monday. i forget where its at. but i could have gone to the game before him to hang out with him and even gone to his game afterwards. but no. my mom wouldn't let me. because she was worried about the whole deal with derek's party. and now im not even going to that. and i won't get to see/talk to david for 3 days. he got his hair cut. i don't like it. i liked it long. but o well. i can't make it grow back. and that shouldn't matter...right? right. maybe i will go out with him when it grows back out.. no. im joking. but i dunno. i know david wants to be with me now.. and i don't want to have that commitment yet. not yet. not really, but we're BASICALLY together anyway since we both like eachother n talk on the phone every night and hang out and all that crap. but its not official. and i don't want to make it official. i don't know. im so confused.

today is taitum's birthday. happy birthday. you're 15 :D im goin to her house tonight. o yeah. i only got 2 hours of sleep last night. me taitum n nicole stayed up until 9 in the morning. and we got woken up at 11. and now im expected to stay up again? no. i don't think so. lol. i dunno. maybe. i don't feel tired right now. im kinda upset though but i feel like i shouldn't be. so i won't.

*.dive.*

[27 Jun 2002|12:47pm]
[ mood | confused ]

ok. well. yesterdayy... me n taitum layed out at her papa's pool for like 2 hours. i got pretty burnt. but its gone now. i went to a silver hawks game (basebal) with david and his youth group. it was fun. can u believe... all that i ate yesterday was- part of a muffin, like- 2 bites of watermelon which made me not feel good, and when i got home i made myself eat a rice crispy treat. and that made my stomach hurt really bad. and usually. i eat everything in site. haha. weird. i like david. yeah. i think i might like him a lot. but i have to be careful. he put his arm around me 2 times and i pushed it off. and he's like "so whats the deal?" and i said "you have a girlfriend. and im not her." and he said "but i haven't talked to her in a while and im here with you. and i like you a lot more." and i said "well you need to tell her." and he's like "i will." im such a bitch sometimes. especially when i don't want to be. i just wanted him to hold me. but he needs to see, that im not joking around here. and im not getting caught up in something with another girl involved again. so he needs to start making a decision. but he says that he can't make a decision until i tell him if i want to be with him or not. and i do. you know. but i can't rush into this. i need to wait things out and see how it goes. but i feel like if i wait then he is just going to stay with her forever and forget about me. and if i say "i want to be with you". then it's all going to be going faster then i want it to. i want to like.. be able to hang out with him and stuff, while he is single, BEFORE we go out. but how do i tell him that? what if he breaks it off with her, and then i find out i don't want to be with him because he is still a jerk or something? sooo confusingggggg.

*.dive.*

OMG! [25 Jun 2002|09:59am]
[ mood | happy ]

omggggggggggg. you won't believe this. i can't even believe it myself. its the next morning and im still sitting here. freaking out. saying omg like 20 times in a row. david called me last night. yeah. and we talked for uh... over 3 1/2 hours. and it was sooo crazy. we talked about everything. about when we were together and what happened with that. i remember the first time we talked on the phone. i was at andrea's and he was at drew's. (this was like in the middle of our conversation when we brought this up) and he said, i liked you SO much that night. you don't even know. and im just thinking awe i liked you sooo much too. and ok.. we're talkin. and 3 hours strolls by and he's like "this beats that night by so much." and i said "really?" n he said "yeah. and i like you more, too." and. omg. someone slap me. this is like a freaking dream. i mean, its my ex. its david walterhouse. and i like him. all of my friends are gunna be like "you're getting yourself into something." but they weren't on the phone. they didn't talk to him. i can tell when someone is lying or not. and you could tell. in his voice. in his sighs. that everything that he told me last night was the truth. and the problem last time was that we rushed into things. we went out 4 days after we started talking... and i was like "we can't do this again." and he said "do what again? like each other?" and i said "no. we can't rush into things again. this is like the first time that we have talked in a long time. its like the first night, all over again. and we're falling so fast. we have to wait." and he said "i know. we have to make ourselves wait." and i said "yeah. because we have forever. there is no rush. we can take as long as we want because we seriously do have forever if you really think about it." lol. omg. omg. omg. he is coming to taitum's today at like 3... i think.. to come see me. and im so excited. this is how it was suppose to be the frist time. we liked each other then. yeah. we liked each other a lot. but this time. its like. how its suppose to be. its so much better.. my mom came home at a little after 12:30 and i was like david i have to go. and he's like i never want to have to stop talking to you. and i said i know. but my mom is home =/ and he was like oh...[sigh] lol. and i sighed. and i said will you hang up first? and he's like [sigh].."do i have to?" lol. me-"please?" him-"oooook." then we both laughed and he said bye. and i said bye. and we went on with that a few times. and he's like ok im gunna do it now. and i said ok. so we said byes again and he hung up and i hung up. then i jumped up. and i wanted to scream. i started like runnning around down here. omg. i told him that i told myself that i wouldn't fall for him when he called. and i also told him that my friends are gunna tell me that he's just a big jerk when i tell them that i talked to him for... 3 1/2 hours last night. and he's like "and what are you going to tell them?" and i said..."that i like you." [sighhhhhhhhhhh]. gosh. this is so crazy. i can't even tell you all about it. its too much to type. wayy too much to type. 3 1/2 hours.. thats a lot. i was expecting him to call and we would have nothing to say to each other and that we would maybe stay on the phone for like 30 minutes or so. but i never imagined it would turn into this. turn into something so huge. so confusing. wow. im speechless. make a splash someone. someone tell me what to doooo!!!! i need advice.

*.dive.*

david. [24 Jun 2002|08:16am]
omg. he was trying to sweet talk me. and i said "david, don't sweet talk me. it won't work" and he said but it can't hurt. and i said "if you're just telling me a bunch of lies to get down my pants, yeah it can." and he's like "why do you think that is all im about?" and i said because i know you. but maybe it isn't ALL you're about. and he said obviously not. so what am i about? and i said you tell me. and he said "i want to start talking more and hang out like we use to and if things lead into something else.. then so be it." then he asked to call me. and i said i don't care. and so i guess he is gunna call me in 30 min. whoa. this is soo...weird. i don't even know what to say about it. please tell me not to fall. please tell me not to believe what he tells me. ok? just help me. and i'll be ok. lol. stupid me. don't get caught up in the moment. don't kiss him. ugh!!
*.dive.*

guys in tight pants. [wink] [24 Jun 2002|07:54am]
[ mood | crazy ]

me n taitum went to her papa's today. they bought a raft so we could lay out. i got burnt. woooo hooooo! i hope it turns tan. lol. tomorrow swim team is at 8 in the morning. ack. so im just gunna go to taitum's afterwards and wake her ass up. (yes taitum, im waking you up. im not going to sit there and wait for you to get up!) hm. im talking to david. again. he is getting online a lot more lately. he wants me to come to his game tomorrow. can you come taitum? its at 8. i dunno if i wanna go yet. we should get other people to go too. mk? haha. im making plans with you on my live journal.... weird. ok. but anyway. i asked david why he wanted me to come? and he said "to see me run in tight pants". it doesn't seem funny. but im like cracking up so hard. colin smith...oh baby. lol. thats funny. alrighty. well. nothin else to say. i might write later or something. buh byes. oooo wait. i didn't tell you about my pinocchio poster!! its so cute. wish you all could see it. lol. its got glitter on it.. and whoa. its cool. ok. maybe im stretching it a little bit. and maybe it isn't that cool. but its kinda cute? lol. omg. david is trying to tell me that he likes me. and that he wants somethin to happen between us at tyler's party. and im all like "no you don't".

*.dive.*

haha.. look what i am!! [22 Jun 2002|10:45am]
[ mood | hungry ]

What Seven Deadly Sin Are YOU? [?]

You're GLUTTONY! Food is good. You love to stuff yourself, and you may become over weight, if you already aren't. You like to endulge. You're represented by the color orange.




i always tell my mom this. but no. she won't listen. i eat when im not hungry. like. every day. ha. swim team is the only thing that keeps me thin i think..
*.dive.*

fun. [22 Jun 2002|01:03am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i had a lot of fun at taitum's party. what did we do? we swam. a lot of swimming. <3<3 me and ashley went on a ride around the block on josh and anthony's bikes. they are those trick bikes and its so much harder to ride then my huge mountain bike!! haha. and these guys were like 20 and out in their yard n yelled "how old are you girls?" when we rode by. and ashley was like "too young for you" and they were cracking up. so were we. it was really funny. had to be there. her papa's is like right by the ghetto. and this guy gave us a tour of it at night. it was so scary! he was all giving us the rules and stuff. whoa. he was hot.. mm. hot chocolate (haha taitum). and we walked past this girl's house n she was like "what in the hell are you doing bringing a group of girls in their bikinis on these streets? you're gunna get into some trouble" and we started freaking out. ha. scary. oo taitum just got online. woooot. me n nick were wrestling in the water when it was dark. talk about fun. i couldn't get him down even once!!! and he could like throw me like air. i was getting ticked. so i made him act like i was good. i would barely touch him and he'd pretend to go flying. :D oh well. and no. i don't like him. so stop thinking it!! my hair is so damaged from chlorine. it even dried hard. ew. and i've washed it like 3 times since then... uh oh. and my suit. was like.. $75 and it faded in his pool sooo bad because there was all of this chlorine in it. its like.. white! pisses me off. its not cute anymoree! o well. i have another.

i had my first swim meet today since winter. i took the spring off. wow. im soooo out of shape. i mean, i did ok for taking a whole season off. but compared to my best times.. I SUCK!! i thought i was gunna puke after my 200 IM. i couldn't breathe. ahh. but im ok now. i need to go to more practices. but its so hard now. and there isn't anyone to talk to anymore. the only other person that swims in my lane is this 18 year old girl thats really stuck up. she can be nice sometimes though. and the person next closest to my age is 11. but thats ok. i mean, i like little kids a lot. but i don't have anyone to talk to like i use to. i loved my swim team pals...kim, brian, stephanie, megan, allison, even dee dee at times. =/ its not the same. all i do is swim. i don't talk to anyone. barely. o well. i love it all the same. always will. even if im like dieing from swimming, i wouldn't stop. i can't. because i've done it since i was 4. and its not possible. im not the same when im not in it. hm.

nate called me today and he wanted me to send him my BL cuz he just got aim. i hadn't talked to him since school so that was cool. well. im gunna go now i think. i love you.

*.dive.*

which kiss are you? [21 Jun 2002|08:37pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Which Kiss are You?

Which Kiss Are You?

*.dive.*

what you've done to me. [21 Jun 2002|12:05pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i deleted you from my buddy list. and you IMed me today and said "i fucking hate you. and im going to fucking kill myself over it." you would never kill yourself over me. you don't kill yourself over people that you hate.. over people that you never cared about. please don't try to scare me by telling me this shit. and don't blame it on me. like II did something to YOU? no. thats not even how it is. schyler burned me a CD. it has... "All I'm Losing Is Me", "Take Our Cars Now", and "Jessie and My Whetstone" on it. sound familiar? it should. u told me that u wrote/sang them with your band... and i love them. and i know all of the words. because i use to just sit here and click on those links over and over..probably atleast 50 times. im just like.. sitting here listening to them. reminds me of the old times. the feelings i use to feel when i heard them. the love that i felt. god. please tell me how to stop thinking about you. because i can't. and im suppose to hate you. but you hate me. i must have had atleast 20 dreams about you. about meeting you. you had a different face each time though. one time.. beth snuck me in the house. i think i told you that one. and ugh.... it was the best feeling ever. you'll never know how much i loved you. you'll never know what you did to me. you'll never know any of that because you've never felt that way about me. you said that you did. yeah. you said that you did. aren't the words 'i love you' suppose to mean something? something special? something rare? you told me that once. that what we had was rare. but what we had was a lie. you led me on... for so long. and i beleived every word that you ever told me. of course i did. i didn't have a reason not to. atleast.. not one that i knew of. you made me cry. for hours on end. you made me throw things. you made me break. like i never had before. you told me that you would never hurt me. you promised me that. it was always a question in the back of your mind though, if i would hurt you. but i was so content. i didn't have any thoughts of you lying to me. i trusted you. and you made me believe that you could make me happy. and you did. maybe i should thank you for that. thank you. for making me happy. for a month. or..uh. a day less then a month. love. what a powerful word. hm. im stuck in the past. my heart is with an unreal person. someone made up. only i didn't make you up in my head. you made this dream person up. and you told me all of the lies that went with it. i just keep asking myself. why? why me? you told me that i hurt you when i was 12. you made me feel so aweful. and i couldn't apologize enough to you. i bet i never hurt you. it was probably all a game then too. gosh. what to say. what to say. there is so much that i need to say. i can't even tell you. will we ever talk again? ever be friends? i don't know. we can't control where this river called 'LIFE' takes us. we just keep drifting downward. and we eventually drift apart. but it doesn't have to be that way. not if we don't want it to be. i don't even know what im saying. i can't think. not like this. i shouldn't be thinking like this. but i can't help it. i can't stop thinking. about you. about everything. congrats. your 'plan' worked. you made me fall. and i fell so hard. im still hurting. i always will. i could tell you that i hated you a million times. but i wouldn't mean a single one. because i'll always love you. i just have to forget about it. [hits forehead] forget. forget. i already wrote you an e-mail telling you good luck with everything i could think of. and i meant it. good luck in life josh. i want you to live it to the best. and just remember me. i'll just be a memory to you. and then some day. we'll meet. without even meaning to. and i don't even know what would happen from there. im not sure i want to think about it yet. we both need. space. right now. im scared. im scared that if we keep talking.. that i will never get over you. so im pushing you away. take this opportunity to get away from me. and run =/ maybe someday i will catch up to you. and things will be different. n we'll just be able to put the past behind us. can we do that? is it possible? i guess we'll see. remember me. don't hate me. don't hate me for loving you. i couldn't help it. remember me.

uh..i'll write about the party tomorrow or something.

*.2 splahes.*| *.dive.*

[20 Jun 2002|12:10pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

wow. i can't even believe what i did last night. this nightmare of pain is finally over. well. it'll take some time for it to be really over. but its more over then it ever was before. i dunno if that makes any sense to you. but it does to me. and i feel so light. because so much stress was lifted off of me last night. i can't even tell you how it feels. but im smiling now. and my smiles are real. and i cried last night. and they were happy tears.

please pray for my swim coach.. he fell from his basement stairs last week and crushed his skull on the cement floor. he is just starting to remember his own name. he sometimes knows family members. and sometimes he doesn't. his name is dan. when i started swim team back up.. he came up to me and gave me a hug and said "im so glad you're back." when my head coach barely said hi to me. but thats just how she is. i can't even imagine giving dan a hug and have him not know who i am... it would be like i was a stranger. when i have known him for 8 years of my 14 year old life. =/

*.1 splah.*| *.dive.*

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